Mother Loudly
Can we turn down the volume on Motherhood as an extreme sport and amplify the everyday?
I have reached the point in my Intro to Substack immersion course, where my feed is now nicely saturated with motherhood content and I’m feasting on think pieces across spectrum of lived motherhood each day.
To those of you writing in this space, I applaud the bravery you exhibit to share some of your most challenging experiences, scariest moments, times when you felt alone, invalid, or less than, all while becoming “mom” in this particularly nasty little juncture of history (see: lack of parenting support and infrastructure, outright attack on women’s rights and bodies, culture of overwork and system of underpay, etc.) Being a mom was never easy and I have to believe that being a mom right now is like playing the game on hard mode. Simultaneously, we’re inundated with motherhood Content (big C): visual stimuli laser-beamed to our eyeballs, a rotating cast of “bounced back” bodies, harvest-hauling trad wives, and stay-at-home, “what I eat in a day” fit-fluencers, that also happen to be making their playroom into a jungle-castle-European Christmas market for their children— products linked on their Amazon storefront!
[A real ad for car seat ice packs (?!) served to me on Pinterest today…]
The convergence of an inoperable and oppressive parenting ecosystem with highly visible examples of out-of-reach Motherhood (TM) stretch the boundaries of at least my own brain’s comprehension and ability to generate a sensible, authentic narrative for myself as a mom.
The content we see making the rounds on social media is sensationalist and “newsworthy” at best, and inaccurate, harmful, or hateful at worst. And, much as we enjoy the medium, we can’t ignore that Substack as a platform absolutely enables and emboldens anyone and everyone to publish a buffet of piping hot garbage, just as most other social platforms do. I digress. My point here is that authentic, daily life, life mixed with challenging moments and experiences, a life in which “mother” is just one in a multitude of meaningful identities - all of that can feel too messy, boring, or nuanced for the internet. And I’m just here to say 1) I appreciate you if you are writing about those challenges and multitudes and counteracting the narratives we’re quite literally being sold online. 2) I’m trying to add my own evolving narrative, ideas, experiences, desires, challenges, and nuance into the mix.
Thus my publication, Motherloud, is born. A place where I hope to *ding,ding,ding* mother out loud and share the n of 1 experience I’m having as a mom, while finding my authentic self postpartum, while navigating ongoing big career changes, and so much more. Hopefully, it’s all relatable.
So, in the spirit of sharing honest (and maybe mundane) insights on motherhood with a lowercase m, I thought I would share some of what went *right* for me in the realm of totally average mothering this past week, including ways that my “village” showed up for me and gave me love.
I’d also encourage you (YOU!) reading this to reflect on some of what went right in your own world over the past several days, relating to your parenting, or not. Did you show up well for yourself one day? Crush it at work? Did someone in your life give you a sweet compliment that you forgot to dwell on until now? Did you tell your spouse a funny joke that only they would get?
Here are the little things that helped me get through a challenging week in motherhood and feel a little bit brighter and lighter:
Good coffee. Every day. Made how I actually want to drink it. I have stopped measuring or caring how much (dairy free) cream and sugar goes into my cup. It’s inevitably going to be 4x less sugar than what a barista would put in at a coffee chain and so I’m not going to worry. I’m going to ~sips coffee ~ enjoy.
My happy light. I’m a happy girl…and in winter I’m a SAAD vitamin D deficient girl. I’ve sung her praises before, but I will reiterate the happy light feels actually life saving in the northern, Great Lakesean winter climate where I’ve been hibernating with baby girl while on maternity leave.
Deleting Instagram and Facebook for obvious reasons that lots of great writers have tackled on here. We’re buying less, consuming less, giving *them* less data, and freeing ourselves from the harm these apps cause - on a lot of levels.
Putting baby girl down sleepy, but awake, as a little experiment in our quest towards better bedtimes. This approach panned out big time (she is 4 months old, we have just been through the big sleep regression) and she can now sort of fall asleep on her own.
My Nuuly monthly clothing rental arriving.
The following phrases, texted, mentioned, whispered lovingly to me:
“You’re doing a great job,”
“This is hard,”
“I’m making cookies,”
“The laundry’s in the dryer,”
“Should we just order delivery?”
“She’s 16 lbs already? That’s all YOUR work!”
“Hey friend, just checking in!”
“This podcast was sooo interesting - I had to share.”
“I love your sweater, you dress so well,”
“Can we come visit you and your family this Summer? You say when!”
“We will host brunch at ours next week!”
The following acts of service offered, asked for, and accepted:
Holding her while I took an hour-long nap.
Doing the dishes after we hosted brunch.
Trading drop-offs and pickups.
Remembering to put the antibiotic ointment on that infected forehead cut 3x per day.
Doing the grocery shop without a list provided by me.
Sending new books in the mail. Doing bath time and reading to him. Chasing him around and throwing him up in the air for a few minutes.
Changing him into his formal clothes at daycare ahead of the big family event.
Rocking and keeping her occupied in the daycare office while I managed solo pickups with both kiddos.
The Severance podcast.
One of you who commented telling me I was doing a great job. Thank you. So are you.
Ordering a beginners knitting kit, making a logo and branding for this Substack, painting my hallway (again), and various other forms of creative self-care.
I think a part of this exercise should be acknowledging that we can each get better at inviting or asking for help when we need it, and recognizing the small acts of support, love and community that we already receive and understanding how they make a difference. Another part is remembering that we show up as moms and humans every day in a context and a moment in time that’s pretty wild to navigate. The Millennial in me just has to say it: “You’re doing the damn thing.”
Make a list of the nice stuff people said to you, the nice things they did for you, or the ways you showed up for yourself. You won’t regret it.